Birthdays

I am turning 25. Wow that sounds old to my young and immortal self. But to be honest I welcome my birthday. And why not? I am super happy with my life right now. Things are going so write (or right since I obviously have no concept or grammar) now that I can't help but be appreciative of the fact that I am getting another year to grow older (and, ahem, wiser). Life is rather extraordinary in both good times and bad and it is such a blessing to age. Gosh that sounds corny. Why is it so hard to write genuine and meaningful sentiments without sounding like a proverbial Pollyanna? I mean I am definitely an optimist but that doesn't mean I spend my free time vomiting sunshine and rainbows all over the place. I do try to keep it under control. After all people can only take so much sugar before it begins to rot their teeth.

How much can you compromise before you lose yourself? Is it okay to lose yourself to become something better?

Can we ever really be happy alone? At what point does alone turn into loneliness?

Does chalking up your mistakes as experience make your past sound better than calling it regret?

Defining yourself

I have always been a relatively confident person. Confident in my ability to get things accomplished, confident in my relationships with others. Lately I have found I am struggling with defining who I really am. It's in these moments of self doubt that I find confusion. Afterall it was only a few months ago that I thought my life was on a set course. I knew what direction I was headed and I thought I knew who I was. Now I am not so sure. This then, begs the question, are we ever REALLY sure? If we are constantly changing and growing and learning new things can we ever really be confident that the things we think and feel at any one particular time are WHO WE ARE? Doesn't that defy the very definition of getting older and wiser? If I know more 10 years from now and that leads me to make a different decision than I would have as a younger self then is that me, really? I bring this up because as I was sitting in a seminar this morning for work I realized I am undefinable. We all are. Some days I am the business professional in high heels, armed with a keen interest in marketing, advertising and the general corporate world. Others days I am a bleeding heart activist who works for free and wants flip flops on her feet at all times. Then there are days when I'm an athlete or a girly girl. There is the Tessa who demands respect and craves acceptance into a more adult world and there is the Tessa who wants nutured and loved and taken care of. There is sci-fi/fantasy loving Tessa and reality t.v. loving Tessa. And SOMEHOW all these personas manage to co-exist. It makes it hard though, to determine just what I want out of life. So maybe the answer is this: there is no one way. There is no one path to happiness. The best you can do it choose a path and embrace it. You can't live your life wondering if another path would have been better for you. If you think thats the case then get on a new path. So someday I suppose I will have to choose which girl I want to be, but for now I will have to be confident in the fact that I am many things and I am okay with still figuring things out. I am contented with my ambiguity.

Its been awhile

There is something cathartic about writing. Not only is it relaxing but getting your thoughts and words onto paper ultimately allows you to look back and reflect upon your feelings and thoughts. For me, re-reading my journals or blog posts is a form of therapy and pseudo-self actualization. So here I go again, thinking and feeling and putting it all down on (paper).

There is something about the summer. Something about the heat and the sunshine and glib attitude that everyone seems to acquire that makes possibilities seem endless. Hope permeates, slicing through the thick and damp air like rays of sunshine on a cloudy day. I find myself a hopefulness romantic during the summer. Falling in love with the wind in my hair, the warm sunshine on my toes. Falling in love with the way it feels to fall asleep underneath a fan, grass tickling my cheek, the vibration of fireworks in my heart and the way I can look to the stars for guidance and magically see a clear path ahead of me.

Thought of the day: Sometimes its better to be respected than to be nice. The older you get and the more complex your relationships become the more this statement is true. Being a nice person is important, it is important to be good and kind and compassionate-but not at the expense of your self respect. There is a fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat.

Service to others

From as far back as I can remember my mother has always encouraged two personality traits in her daughters. The first was to be humble; and the second was to be generous. I myself have always tried to live my life under the guidance of one principle- "too whom much is given, much is expected." I have been lucky in so many ways to grow up in the enviroment that I have and I greatly attribute my sense of compassion to my mom and dad. Even at a young age they encouraged service and volunteerism. They involved us at a very young age in community service and perhaps that is why now, it is such an integral part of my life. I look to helping my fellow mankind as both something I love to do but also as a guiding point by which I live my life. After all, to borrow a quote, what are we here for it not to make each other's lives easier? And its not just giving time or money to a cause or organization. It is about generosity in your personal life. Giving to your loved ones when you least feel like it. Or when they most need it. It is about finding a career that will better others and give back to the community that you have been fortunate enough to be apart of. This doesnt necessarily mean working for a non profit. There are many many careers that allow you to give to others. Professions such as nurse, firefighter, teacher, lawyer-all of these are working towards a greater good. It is my personal belief that everyone is obligated as a citizen, person, friend, lover and parent to give back to their community. To help your neighbor.

ah HAH!

It isn't everyday you wake up to an "ah hah!" moment. You know, one of those moments were you seem to have clarity in even the most difficult of situations. You wake up and all the questions and random thoughts you've been mulling over for the past few minutes, or months or even years all cumulate in this one amazing point of understanding. You say to yourself, "yes! i finally see- all these things have happened for a reason and I am now much older and wiser." And then minutes later you may have another one of these rare and precious moments and all of a sudden whatever seemed so clear before might be completely different. Thats the hard part about clarity (and the funny thing about the human mind/heart)- experience and information seems to muddle the calm and steady waters a bit. But on that day(or moment), that day of the amazing Ah hah moment you can pretend to yourself that maybe you are headed in the right direction. Maybe you are becoming that person you actually want to be. I had that day 2 days ago. I woke up and I realized that life is about choices. You can choose to be good or bad or funny or distant. To hold grudes over things you can't change or to let them go. You can throw the baby out with the bath or you can keep the baby and change the water. I choose to let things go. I choose to live my life knowing that holding onto the past, or even a present pain can only hurt you. I choose happiness. I choose to believe that if you are good to others, good will come to you. I choose to believe that forgiveness is the only way to true contentment. I choose to believe that the only way to get what you want is to create opportunities for yourself. I choose to believe that love is always always better than indifference, even when its hurtful. I choose to love myself and to love others as I love myself. So make a choice, and never be afraid of consequence. You are stronger than you think you are.

Its been quite awhile since I've ventured to post anything on my blog. Several reasons have postponed my foray into internetland. My first reason is a universal excuse; I've been busy with work. While thats true its not entirely the truth. If you know what I mean. The more significant reason is that I've been hesitant to put anything out there that isn't witty or interesting (this is in no way claiming that my past posts are either witty or interesting). I guess I have been under this impression that only the most gifted of writers, the funniest of comedian(ennes) are allowed to post. Afterall, who would really want to read something by me? I have not the dry humor of today's best columnists, the insight of today's most prominent thinkers, or the eloquence of a classical writer. Still though, I have something to say. Even if it is only to myself. Isn't that the point of a blog anyway? to Journal your daily thoughts? No matter that it is on a medium available to everyone and not tucked away in your closet underneath piles of never worn clothes-ready to be pulled out in moments of both dispair and great joy. It is about finding your voice. Something I have begun to do but literally in the written word but also as an independent woman. So I am going to write. And I am not going to assume anyone will ever read this.

With the beginning of a new year I sit and reflect on some of the lessons I have learned over the course of my time here on earth. It’s true, that in comparison to some my time on earth has been brief, but I like to think that I have tried my best to learn all that I can in the time I have had. As I ponder over lessons I have learned I have come to realize that I am a product of my environment, a creation of my parents, influenced by loved ones and the circumstances I have been exposed to. I have learned lessons about truth, hope, forgiveness and tenacity. I have discovered the importance of hard work, intelligence and honesty. Of all these admirable qualities and lessons, though, the most important has been that of unconditional love. To me, one cannot exist without the other. Love can never be conditional, it contradicts the very basis of what love means. To love is to choose, involuntarily or not, to accept and forgive all things a person is and strives to be. Love is not, as people would like to think, looking blindly at others faults but accepting that they exist and recognizing that their positive qualities greatly overshadow whatever flaws they may have. It is embracing the person for who they are and what they stand for. In doing this, you love a person because of who they are and not how they treat you and when you give your love to someone in this manner it becomes something permanent. Now the way in which you love them can change, but it can never disappear. That would imply a sort of condition based on time. And Love has none of these conditions.

What is it that makes us afraid? From what place, deep in us, does fear come from? Where does that little voice of doubt that bubbles to the surface showing its face in the form of insecurity come from? Because that is all insecurity is; fear. Fear that we aren’t good enough, fear of failure, fear of success. We are afraid because we are unsure of consequence. We admit that we are afraid of pain, physical and emotional. We admit we are afraid of rejection-but is it also true that we are afraid of success? Afraid we just might get exactly what we want?

Im just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze and love is a riddle. I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried. And I don't know why. I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared but I don't show it. I can't figure it out. It's bringing me down I know. I've got to let it go. And just enjoy the show.-Lenka