The most amazing thing

To me, the most important thing, the most amazing thing about a healthy relationship is the other person's ability to create and change something in you. It is extraordinary for me to see the changes in myself, the new opinions, ideas, and feelings that develop all from knowing a particular person. I like that I can see and appreciate the good things that he brings to my life. I have always felt that my heart has a way of knowing, picking, choosing if you will, people in my life who bring something to me. being in a healthy relationship means that they will bring something that no one else has ever brought or ever will. And that, THAT is the amazing thing. That no matter who I meet over the course of my life, they will never bring out the certain aspects of myself that that singular person has.

Self-Confidence

Relationships are tricky things to master. There is a very fine line between living in the moment and appreciating the relationship for what it is at any particular moment in time (because really, you never realize until the time is past that you are creating memories) and preparing for the future based on how you want your life to turn out.

I am struggling with this. To be honest it is a constant battle that i continually feel like I am failing at. Do I take in this new relationship as it is. Wonderful and great and satisfying in itself and appreciate it for what it is giving me at this point in time? Appreciate the fact that he makes me smile and laugh and that knowing him is creating and changing something in me? That no matter what happens in the future I am lucky and fortunate to experience this now? Is that really all that I can ask for? To take everything in as life experience?

But what about what I ultimately want for my life? What about planning my future and knowing if it should include him or not? What about saving myself pain, if ultimately, it isn't going to work out? I have the right to demand the most for myself, and that includes a family etc. Right?

The problem is this: I only THINK I know what I want. I think that I want a family and children and I see in this immense satisfaction and value. But I am also open to anything. I am open to seeing what happens. You can only protect your heart so much. And ultimately I have to follow my heart. Its led me to pain before, yes. It may lead me there again. But its only fear that would keep me from pursuing this relationship. Fear that we aren't meant to be together, and mostly-fear that I am not enough.

Thats it. THAT IS IT. That is what I am really afraid of. Afraid that I won't be enough. But I am. I am enough for me. I am happy just to be with me. And that in itself will be my salvation in this. Trusting in myself and my God. Trusting that no matter what happens I will not only handle it, but make the best of it. You have to let people into your life. You HAVE to. You have to experience joy and sadness, bliss and pain. Because if you don't you are missing out. And above all, I don't want to miss out. You can't choose who your heart tells you to love. You can't choose it. If I know anything it is that. Your heart chooses the people it does because it sees something in them. Sees something that brings out something in you.