The most amazing thing

To me, the most important thing, the most amazing thing about a healthy relationship is the other person's ability to create and change something in you. It is extraordinary for me to see the changes in myself, the new opinions, ideas, and feelings that develop all from knowing a particular person. I like that I can see and appreciate the good things that he brings to my life. I have always felt that my heart has a way of knowing, picking, choosing if you will, people in my life who bring something to me. being in a healthy relationship means that they will bring something that no one else has ever brought or ever will. And that, THAT is the amazing thing. That no matter who I meet over the course of my life, they will never bring out the certain aspects of myself that that singular person has.

Self-Confidence

Relationships are tricky things to master. There is a very fine line between living in the moment and appreciating the relationship for what it is at any particular moment in time (because really, you never realize until the time is past that you are creating memories) and preparing for the future based on how you want your life to turn out.

I am struggling with this. To be honest it is a constant battle that i continually feel like I am failing at. Do I take in this new relationship as it is. Wonderful and great and satisfying in itself and appreciate it for what it is giving me at this point in time? Appreciate the fact that he makes me smile and laugh and that knowing him is creating and changing something in me? That no matter what happens in the future I am lucky and fortunate to experience this now? Is that really all that I can ask for? To take everything in as life experience?

But what about what I ultimately want for my life? What about planning my future and knowing if it should include him or not? What about saving myself pain, if ultimately, it isn't going to work out? I have the right to demand the most for myself, and that includes a family etc. Right?

The problem is this: I only THINK I know what I want. I think that I want a family and children and I see in this immense satisfaction and value. But I am also open to anything. I am open to seeing what happens. You can only protect your heart so much. And ultimately I have to follow my heart. Its led me to pain before, yes. It may lead me there again. But its only fear that would keep me from pursuing this relationship. Fear that we aren't meant to be together, and mostly-fear that I am not enough.

Thats it. THAT IS IT. That is what I am really afraid of. Afraid that I won't be enough. But I am. I am enough for me. I am happy just to be with me. And that in itself will be my salvation in this. Trusting in myself and my God. Trusting that no matter what happens I will not only handle it, but make the best of it. You have to let people into your life. You HAVE to. You have to experience joy and sadness, bliss and pain. Because if you don't you are missing out. And above all, I don't want to miss out. You can't choose who your heart tells you to love. You can't choose it. If I know anything it is that. Your heart chooses the people it does because it sees something in them. Sees something that brings out something in you.

Birthdays

I am turning 25. Wow that sounds old to my young and immortal self. But to be honest I welcome my birthday. And why not? I am super happy with my life right now. Things are going so write (or right since I obviously have no concept or grammar) now that I can't help but be appreciative of the fact that I am getting another year to grow older (and, ahem, wiser). Life is rather extraordinary in both good times and bad and it is such a blessing to age. Gosh that sounds corny. Why is it so hard to write genuine and meaningful sentiments without sounding like a proverbial Pollyanna? I mean I am definitely an optimist but that doesn't mean I spend my free time vomiting sunshine and rainbows all over the place. I do try to keep it under control. After all people can only take so much sugar before it begins to rot their teeth.

How much can you compromise before you lose yourself? Is it okay to lose yourself to become something better?

Can we ever really be happy alone? At what point does alone turn into loneliness?

Does chalking up your mistakes as experience make your past sound better than calling it regret?

Defining yourself

I have always been a relatively confident person. Confident in my ability to get things accomplished, confident in my relationships with others. Lately I have found I am struggling with defining who I really am. It's in these moments of self doubt that I find confusion. Afterall it was only a few months ago that I thought my life was on a set course. I knew what direction I was headed and I thought I knew who I was. Now I am not so sure. This then, begs the question, are we ever REALLY sure? If we are constantly changing and growing and learning new things can we ever really be confident that the things we think and feel at any one particular time are WHO WE ARE? Doesn't that defy the very definition of getting older and wiser? If I know more 10 years from now and that leads me to make a different decision than I would have as a younger self then is that me, really? I bring this up because as I was sitting in a seminar this morning for work I realized I am undefinable. We all are. Some days I am the business professional in high heels, armed with a keen interest in marketing, advertising and the general corporate world. Others days I am a bleeding heart activist who works for free and wants flip flops on her feet at all times. Then there are days when I'm an athlete or a girly girl. There is the Tessa who demands respect and craves acceptance into a more adult world and there is the Tessa who wants nutured and loved and taken care of. There is sci-fi/fantasy loving Tessa and reality t.v. loving Tessa. And SOMEHOW all these personas manage to co-exist. It makes it hard though, to determine just what I want out of life. So maybe the answer is this: there is no one way. There is no one path to happiness. The best you can do it choose a path and embrace it. You can't live your life wondering if another path would have been better for you. If you think thats the case then get on a new path. So someday I suppose I will have to choose which girl I want to be, but for now I will have to be confident in the fact that I am many things and I am okay with still figuring things out. I am contented with my ambiguity.

Its been awhile

There is something cathartic about writing. Not only is it relaxing but getting your thoughts and words onto paper ultimately allows you to look back and reflect upon your feelings and thoughts. For me, re-reading my journals or blog posts is a form of therapy and pseudo-self actualization. So here I go again, thinking and feeling and putting it all down on (paper).

There is something about the summer. Something about the heat and the sunshine and glib attitude that everyone seems to acquire that makes possibilities seem endless. Hope permeates, slicing through the thick and damp air like rays of sunshine on a cloudy day. I find myself a hopefulness romantic during the summer. Falling in love with the wind in my hair, the warm sunshine on my toes. Falling in love with the way it feels to fall asleep underneath a fan, grass tickling my cheek, the vibration of fireworks in my heart and the way I can look to the stars for guidance and magically see a clear path ahead of me.

Thought of the day: Sometimes its better to be respected than to be nice. The older you get and the more complex your relationships become the more this statement is true. Being a nice person is important, it is important to be good and kind and compassionate-but not at the expense of your self respect. There is a fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat.