Happy New Year

For last year's words belong to last year's languageAnd next year's words await another voice.And to make an end is to make a beginning.~T.S. Eliot

Crutches

Just this past week I sprained my ankle while running outside (stupid I know) and per doctors orders hobbled around on crutches for five days. When my last day using those godforsaken pieces of wood came around I got to thinking about how much I relied on those crutches to move me from point A to point B and how, because I had to rely on such a crutch I also had to rely on the patience and goodwill of others. Being hurt not only slowed me down, but it took its toll on those left to care for me as well. A physical pain is a lot like an emotional pain. And crutches can take many forms. We all have a crutch. Someone or something we rely on to make it through our day. Do we ever outgrow these enablers? Do we ever really learn to walk on our own? Or over time does our crutch simply turn into a cane, supporting us in our old age -leaving us without the ability to ever stand on our own two feet?

whatever you are willing to put up with is...

exactly what you will have.

poetry 2

The shimmering surface fades to black
A trembling calm shattered by a heart's attack
An insistent chaos sprung from the still
A stroke of heat amidst the chill

the rain descendent from an opaque sky
like a sliver of truth inside a lie
the purpose, i think, important but obscure
intensely prevalent but somewhat unsure

that's life it seems swiftly changing
a heart, in want of rearranging
a moment in space, a point of clarity
from morning to night
a simple disparity

one shard of glass amongst the felt
smooth skin left broken an open welt
questions stirring beneath an undetectable shell
of choice and repercussion too abstruse to tell

A little poetry

love and kindess, they intertwine
weaving an unequivical bind
of hope suspending between a mind
of souls dependent on how they align

an implicit story
better left unspoken
for fear of leaving lost and broken
inside unexplained
left hidden, nothing gained
this love it bubbles just below
through the dark a concealed glow

to connect a feat
a make of two hearts complete
unusual for this very age
to escape this large deceiving cage

Labels

At what point do we label ourselves? The runner, the cook, the math person. Where in the in betweens of adolesence and adulthood do we stop believing we can excel at everything and conclude that we are only good at something? Is it because only certain talents of ours are encouraged when we are young? Is it because people, in order to understand one another, must label and catagorize?

A New Planet

Can you really forget to love yourself? Can you aimlessly circle a place until everything blurs and black and white fade to gray until you hardly recognize it at all? Is it possible to wake up one day and not know who you are or how you have become that way? Some people have moments; a death, an illness, an accident. A defining moment that they can look at and say "yes, that was the event that changed all future events. The moment that tilted the axis on which my world was set." "This is when I became the stranger that stares back at me in the mirror." For most though, the change is a slow and steady decline into a foggy haze. A haze that settles until one day the clouds begin to clear and the only thing you want, the most important thing is to get back to the sunshine. Except you can't. There is no sun. Or rather, there is a sun but its a different sun because you are no longer the center of the same universe as before. It is a new sun that is shining upon a totally new landscape. And this new terrain, its a little rough-nothing quite like you have seen before. It needs a little tending and a new plan. The map you were using before no longer applies. You need a new map. Like Christopher Columbus you're in uncharted territory and the person you were, that person is still there but in fragments. Pieces of your past were swept along in the haze and rain down haphazardly into new and fertile ground. They are settling this time, in different places and in different shapes.

which way to the gun show?

What is true strength? Even dictionary.com has over 8 definitions to define just what strength means in today's world. It varies from power by influence or authority, to mental toughness and vigor. My question has little to do with the physical aspect and everything to do with strength of character. In terms of life and love, are you strong if you hold onto something or is it the letting go that makes you strong? In a relationship, friendship or otherwise- does it take a truly strong person to stay by your side, or is it rather that they cannot summon the courage to get out of a bad situation? If you can manage to walk away from someone who is hurting you is that strength or are you just fleeing the crime scene? It seems that the determination of strength is largely based on circumstance and ultimately, the outcome. That hardly seems right. Shouldn't there be some sort of pre-determined measure that says "yes, high on strength" or "sorry you fail the strength test." Asking for such a thing is childish of course, life rarely deals in black and white. Instead muddled shades of gray seem to rule an otherwise colorful world. So maybe it isn't the staying or the leaving. Maybe it isn't the action at all that makes someone "strong." Perhaps instead the strength comes from understanding when you should stay and when its time to hit the road.

i LOVE you

I love my family. I love my friends. I also love whiskey and tv on dvds and hole in the wall bars. Could it be that we use the world love just a little too flippantly? When we use love so frequently does it lose its true meaning? At what point does a word that should carry so much weight become nothing more than an endearing affinity for something. Do I really love my Ipod like I love my mother? If we can love with such abandon towards material things why is it that loving someone in a relationship is so difficult. And why do I still love Jack Daniels despite his wreacking havoc on my health, life and ability to hold onto important items like my credit card or cell phone? If my boyfriend ran out of battery as often as my Ipod I would have left him (and by him I mean my hypothetical boyfriend) along time ago. I have no trouble committing to the characters in tvland, but committing to characters in my own stage show, now thats another story. Will the word love, which has been used for centuries as the ultimate proof of total dedication one day become obsolete?

The fairy tale

Everyone wants a fairy tale. You grow up hearing the stories of princesses and princes and dragons and deep magic. Its hard to resist thinking thats how love happens. And wanting a fairy tale doesnt change over time, its the fairy tale itself that changes. It becomes different for everyone. Its no longer about prince charming or being saved. Its about finding someone in your life who believes you are worth saving. So it is not longer about finding the perfect prince. Its about becoming the perfect princess.

First Time

First blog. First post. Alot of firsts for a girl whos computer skills have formerly consisted of aim and facebook. Thought I would give this a shot, see whats its like to put my hopes and dreams out there in the wide world of the web. So personal. Im sure in just a few days I will feel like I have millions of superclose friends. or maybe not.